I meant to write something the day after the burial of my friend Chilufya. It was going to have a very dramatic first line: “I buried my friend yesterday”. But nearly one month later I’m sitting down to make time for the deceased. I’m not sure why the inspiration is here today, I wonder if this downpour after a sunshine-y hot day has spurred some deep sense of loss. But it is time to quit putting things off; here goes…
It’s such a shame. It’s been a tough journey for me. My basketball season has been pretty rough…my offence has been really on/off. I’m happy to report my defence has steadily improved with much focus & hard work. But I’ve really struggled fitting in & dealing with the attitudes of some of the young girls I play with. Chilufya was the person I would look forward to seeing on the court. We had some plans together, she was going to coach a girl’s team from BSA, & I hadn’t yet told her, but I was going to ask her to help me to learn Bemba. (I loved this girl, Zambian to her toes, lived in Lusaka for years but understood & spoke minimal Nyanja- the language most common in Lusaka). Chilu came up to me at training one day & said she just didn’t feel well. She had all of the symptoms of malaria. It’s really no big deal here (unless of course you are the one suffering from the disease), you go get tested & follow the prescriptions & you move on.
She didn’t come to training the next week & I ran into her & her mother in the grocery store. There was Chilu, looking as lovely as ever. She was explaining that there was something wrong with her blood but the doctors didn’t know what yet, & my daft response- Chilu- you’ve just grown lazy, you’re not really sick; you look like a million bucks! Exactly one week later I received a phone call with news of her death. I was really caught of guard because the previous night Chilu had sent me an SMS that she missed the team & was getting better.
I braved my first visit to a Zambian funeral house with the coaches from our team. (I’ve been to a Zambian funeral before, but not for the whole process). I met the mother there, (who I had indeed met a couple of times before), & she explained how she lost her daughter. She had found her first born dead in hospital that morning. The doctors found her a couple of hours later to give her the blood test results. Acute Leukemia, anaemic complications. 20 year old woman dead within weeks. It’s awful.
My team went to the burial together, & it did provide a sense of closure, no matter how hard it is to accept Chilu’s fate. The saddest part of putting this on paper for me, is that I’ve gone back at every sentence to put things into the past tense.
I’m so fortunate to have known Chilufya, and I believe there was a reason our paths crossed- I will never pretend to understand why such things happen, but we all move on, & I will remember her smile, her laugh, & her personality. She comes to me in funny ways. I miss her, but at least I can share her memory with my teammates. It’s better than never having known her I reckon.
